I used to think I couldn’t go a day without your smile. Without telling you things and hearing your voice back.
Then, the day arrived and it was so damn hard, but the next was even harder. And I knew with a sinking feeling it was going to get worse and I wasn’t going to be okay for a very long time.
Because losing someone isn’t an occasion or an event. It doesn’t just happen once. It happens over and over again.
I lose you every time I pick up the cologne that you left at the bedside; every time I fall asleep crying over you. I lose you every time your playlist plays in my car and the song ends.
I lose you every time I think of kissing you, holding you or wanting you. I go to bed at night and lose you when I wish I could tell you about my day. And in the morning, when I wake and reach for the empty space across my sheets I begin to lose you all over again.
One of the most difficult things we are faced with in life; to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.
I loved, I loved and I lost you.
"Cause you only need the light when it's burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,
Only know you love her when you let her go."
I can count the number of times I’ve been absolutely certain on one hand. Four of those dogmatisms outlined who I wanted to be. The fifth was you, the person I want(ed) to be with. My brain keeps retracing over our story, the way blind men impute Braille. I don’t know how long it will take for the ache behind my ribcage to subside, or which shot of whiskey will mask your memory, but if it’s true that time is a great divider, I’m taking comfort in the notion that one day you’ll be too far for me to reach.
What do you do when you’ve lost your strength? You fight everyday and end up spending your nights crying. I thought love would heal me and although he does bring me joy in ways I can’t imagine, my past continues to haunt me. One who was supposed to protect me, keep those kind of boys away from me and make sure I go unharmed and the other I trust with my heart, who I loved and would do anything for. Both of these boys hurt me and left wounds so deep I fear I may never fully recover. I fear that I will always be broken and used. As if I was made just for their satisfaction. Regardless of what they stole from me...my innocents. #broken#metoo#slutshaming#boys#lover#fear#heartbreak#innocents#fighter#thoughtsforthenight#timetoheal